Praying for a Better Father’s Day

by Robert Mitchell

Amid a bruising four-year custody battle, Derek Bergman reached a low point last April when he reached out to Major Brian Thomas of The Salvation Army in Salem, Mass., to help form a support group for single fathers.

Bergman’s co-parent had sought sole legal custody, and while he won his effort at shared custody, he lost some privileges.

“I was in a really down spot, and I felt really isolated,” recalled Bergman, who lives in Beverly, Mass. “I felt alienated and discriminated against with all these victim feelings. I felt like I needed to create a community around myself for support. I really needed support.

“I’m a pretty proactive person. I don’t just get a thought. I get an idea and I make it a project.”

Bergman worked for Lifebridge North Shore, a nonprofit that helps homeless individuals, and he would often drop off food at The Salvation Army. He became friends with Major Brian Thomas and asked him to help form a group to help struggling dads going through custody battles.

“I wanted somebody who had credibility in the community,” Bergman said.

Divine meeting

Thomas, a former officer with The Salvation Army’s Adult Rehabilitation Center Command familiar with counseling men, seemed like the perfect fit.

Since April of last year, the support group has drawn six to 12 men on Thursday nights — single dads going through separation and divorce, the challenges of co-parenting, and sometimes acrimonious custody battles. Another 60 men have checked out the group online as the men talk about their individual cases, offer advice and support, and share their personal struggles.

“It really gave them an opportunity to share what was going on in their lives and some of the challenges they have faced with the court battles, the finances, and not getting to see their kids as much as they want to,” Thomas said. “The quagmire that they’re in is brutal and it’s disheartening.”

Bergman said, “On any given week, some people are chiming in, some people are throwing support, some people are asking for support, and some people just watch from a distance and that’s fine too.”

The Bible speaks

Thomas prays with the men and lets them know that they are prayed for by name at least once a day. He also isn’t shy about bringing biblical principles into the discussion.

“I talk to them about the opposite of joy being bitterness and bitterness being holding on to grudges,” Thomas said. “We talk about forgiveness and peace being a result of forgiveness.”

Bergman, who is converting to Catholicism and leads the meetings when Thomas is unavailable, said Thomas “prays it out” and his biblical knowledge brings “another level of depth” to the meetings. Bergman said Thomas always stresses the need to create positive communication with co-parents.

“Major always brings it back to that. The goal here is to be mutually supportive of our children in the most positive way we can,” Bergman said. “That’s really what co-parenting is. It’s communicating in support of our children.”

Thomas also shares what the Bible has to say about divorce and family and urges the men to stay in their marriages when possible. One man was able to go back and make his marriage work, while others have made progress.

“We have so much evidence about the role of fathers being of critical importance in the upbringing of children,” Thomas said.

Offering sage advice

Thomas’ biblical wisdom has helped him in practical ways, Bergman said. He admits he sometimes gets caught up in the adversity and the struggle, but Thomas has helped him see the viewpoint of his co-parent and offered coping mechanisms.

Thomas has also shared tips with the group on co-parenting for the children’s sake from Fatherhood.org, such as not bad-mouthing the mother in front of the children, letting your children know that they should love and respect their mother, making sure they know that you love them even when there are disagreements with the other parent, and agreeing with the mother on discipline ahead of time. It’s about doing what’s best for your children and what will help them do better in life.

Bergman, who has represented himself by appearing in court pro se, said he tends to come across as condescending or snarky in his writings, especially when he thinks the system is unfair. Thomas has helped him chisel away the rough edges.

“He has a really keen sense and ability to be a neutral advocate,” Bergman said of Thomas. “He often makes suggestions that help me reframe my position.”

Thomas, who sometimes goes to court with the men, said he enjoys the group meetings with only a few attendees because they have turned into personal counseling sessions.

“There were a couple of opportunities to get one on one with some of the guys,” Thomas said. “I really feel like they got a lot out of that.”

Some of the men are more versed in the legal system than others, Bergman said, and share information about new laws, how to navigate the system, and what legal resources may be available. “There are issues that all of us may not know about that can have a huge impact on our lives,” he said.

It can get costly

A few other men besides Bergman have gone the pro se route when finances got tight. Two of the men in the group have already spent “significant” amounts in legal fees, and Thomas advises everyone to sit down with a mediator and come to an agreement.

“That’s the best advice,” Thomas said. “If you can’t stay together, work out something that’s fair. If you don’t, it will last for years. It’s a very, very challenging situation.”

The group has seen some wins with one father, who was of modest means, gaining primary custody and child support. Bergman said he “still has challenges,” but is thankful for the group and would like to see more of them to help men like himself.

“At the end of the day, whether we’re making $200,000 a year or $20,000 a year, all we want is fair and equal time with our kids,” Bergman said. “When you get a group of guys together who are all experiencing similar things, it’s just a safe space for us to be able to share our experiences. There’s a real deep camaraderie there. Everybody’s got something to bring to the table when it comes to how to learn and grow. And everyone has a challenge each of us can learn from. I think we all learn from each other in that way.”